Transparency

I love you

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Word of a thought

Then later “And It’s Still Alright” 

And in the morning boaz “did it the right way”

why does it hurt so much 

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I am not a rich girl. 

I am not a maneater. 

I am not beige and blue. 

I am not afraid anymore. 

I’m just a person

I have no clue

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I spent the whole afternoon listening to Dave Matthew’s band, because I’m so clueless I didn’t make the connection before. My heart is so heavy. And I’m always playing catch up. 

This isn’t overthink. It’s a response to mixed signals and lack of clarity. 

I can’t always read your mind, as much as I’d like to. But all I can do is tell you what is in my mind. 

I love you. More than anything. I will do anything for you. I would walk away from this life tomorrow if you asked me to and it would be easy. This is why you tell me the condition of our relationship is determined by the health of my marriage. Which is beyond fucked up. I will stay in my marriage for you. But that is a problem.

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Lying on the threshing floor uncovering his feet wasn’t “the right way”. She was unconventional. She was bold and humble. And she wasn’t shamed, she was praised. Someone else had the claim. So she waited. 

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I know you must feel enormous pressure in this relationship sometimes. Please know you don’t have to. I am yours. My heart has never turned from you. My loyalty will always be to you. I will wait forever. I accept the boundaries. It hurts to know, but I will always be ready to give you everything when, when it’s time. I am trying to do what is best, and I often feeling like I’m guessing. Trying to find health along the way. 

For a long time I was so unhealthy navigating through this. I was so blinded by rage, sorrow, so so jealous. I am grateful to have, at long last, finally achieved some true sense of compersion. Does that make you feel like I’m fading? I can fix that. 

I’m changing behaviors because of things you said. Did I overcorrect? I can fix that. You just need to tell me. Please just tell me.

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Why did I spend the precious few moments of time alone with you on ridiculous things over the weekend? It’s time alone with you that is so rare. I appreciate so much how helpful it is to be able to share here. I don’t understand how that came to be, but I’m so thankful God gave us that. And I feel like I’m somehow abusing it by not using it enough or not using it “the right way”. It’s not a conversation though. I don’t get to hear you speak. I don’t even know if you are really here. But then sometimes you’ll say something and i am overwhelmed with gratitude that you care enough to spend any amount of time on my silly thoughts and feelings. 

But maybe this is making it worse for you?

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I wanted to ask you about transparency. I feel like when I’m transparent with you and I tell you how I really feel, you pull away. You think things like “and it’s still alright”. And it makes me not want to tell you how I feel, because knowing only makes it that much heavier for you, and that can only be unkind. I don’t want to hurt you. In any way.

To my mind, I am yours. I keep nothing from you. You may have everything I have to give. It’s not something I offer as some strange temptation. It’s just the way it is. The way we are. I do not and will not feel that way with anyone else. I do not have the ability to give anyone else any part of me, truly, nor do I have the ability to possess the faintest desire to do so. 

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You told me that our relationship is fine, but you don’t want it to get physical. I am trying to protect that part of you. Because if this gets physical, i know you will leave and never come back. Is it worth the risk, because most days the in-between is a slow death. It’s not living. 

But is something changing? 

Something is changing.

—— 

Insanity. 

Doing something over and over again, expecting a different result. 

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You told me you’re not getting any of your needs met in this relationship. Am I just making your life worse? A bad luck penny. torture? If I am, I can pull back. We can make this what it needs to be. Then we can readjust when it changes again. Whatever it needs to be for you to be happy. Healthy. Does loving you mean more distance for now? I dont want my presence to make you miserable. 

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The high is so high. The lows are the lowest lows. If we don’t find a way to get out of the lows quickly and consistently, the highs will erode. Bitterness and blame follow.

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Being in love is not a “weakness”. Having an appetite is not a “weakness”. Desire is not “weakness”. It’s a false equivalence. Insufficient analogy. 

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I know “less is more” most of the time. Sometimes

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I’ve been trying to meet you where you are, to be available. Call me at midnight when it feels unbearably dark. I’ll tell you about my day. A new joke. I’ll drive over and we can sit in silence on the line the whole time just listen to the sounds of the road until I get there. We can just talk. Can I put my arm around you? Can I kiss you without you feeling betrayed?

Do you know how many nights I drove to your house? Just to turn around and drive home? Forgetting you weren’t there, or realizing what a fool I am, that you’d be in bed already and I’d have nothing to say at the door. 

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Faith. Works. 

Works. 

We have different principles. You have a need to protect the life you’ve built and all that comes with it. Can I be of any help? If you cant have a lover, can you use a friend?

How can I be a friend to you? 

Maybe you think I can see your thoughts. I can’t. I am here. You are there. You don’t call. You don’t ask. Please. Ask of me. If it’s in my power to give I want to try. I’m so sorry that I have failed you. I don’t know what to change if we don’t talk about it. I get a sense that this is not enough. It’s not right, just yet. In what way? I’m happy to change. What is lacking right now? What do we need? Let’s build it.

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You are in my every thought. You are my world. And I hate myself for not being able to express this to you in a way that is lasting and brings peace. 

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How should we shift our focus for this season? What is our eye turned toward? Help me. 

____

I am praying

I can’t hear anything

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I love you

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You are so precious to me. I am failing to treat you with the intention and care you deserve. I am so sorry. Please forgive me.