I think we should talk in person. However, this cannot wait and I’m afraid it’s already waited long enough with my thick-headed belated realization

This week I’ve been processing our conversation last Sunday about boundaries. I appreciate your candor and willingness to communicate with me and want to respect your wishes and sincerely seek alignment with you in action and in my heart

On Friday evening I noticed a playlist. I thought you shared the music as a gift, as a response. These are your songs. My first thoughts were, “My God, you are beautiful.”

Just so humbled and thankful for your vulnerability and honesty

Then I thought

I thought it confirmed that this was the closing of a chapter, which I see wisdom in. But then today I realized, you are closing the door. You’re turning off the light. That is different.

You’re done

Done done

Late Friday night, when I first listened in fits and starts, I thought it was just you drawing a boundary with me — because of that picture

Today as I listened during the day, straight through, I realized it wasn’t that at all - you are done

Because of something else

Was it sharing my struggle with lust?

Maybe it’s not the picture but the caption? “This isn’t meant to be torture, this is just how it is.”

And just how it is…. is torture. For both of us. It’s Tantalus always seeing the fruit and never being able to eat, it’s looking into the pool and never being able to drink. It’s seeing loved ones but always out of reach.

I never meant to play with your heart. What a tasteless joke. What a horrible thing! And to top it off, my thick head just kept writing and onto my silly bachelorette neo playlist?! I came to the party? How insensitive! I didn’t mean any harm, I just wanted to reach out to you to be a reassuring presence.

What to even say? I don’t know what you need from me right now. It seems like what I do is seen through a different lens

I think we can only get so far without direct communication. You’ve had so much grace with me, and I you. They say you avoid conflict at all costs, but this isn’t some conflict, this is foundational. I care for you and I do not want to be the person who tortures you. And if that is why you must go, I understand. But we need to reach an understanding mutually and clearly - we deserve that much from each other.

I love you so much. More than you will ever know. More than any beautiful song, more than any stupid blog, I want you to thrive and be happy and if my very presence prevents that, then of course I will distance myself. Transparency and honesty are not the same. But please do not cast me out. Do not turn off the light. I beg you for a chance to be your friend. An opportunity for true fellowship in the sense that two people maintain mutual real authentic openness with each other and love each other in practice. To encourage one another daily.

I have failed to love you.

I have failed in an earnest effort to promote your welfare.

I am broken.

I do not take this lightly

I will not be a foolish child

I will not abandon you

If you need space

If you want time

Please have all that you need

Of course

Always

I would like to humbly request a conversation for collaborative and clear communication. I would like to learn from you. I would like to hold your hand and look you in the eye.

You are my beloved. Absolutely breathtakingly wonderful and you deserve the best. You deserve better than I have been able to give.

I’m so sorry