Had to discard the last couple of nights' writing.
Nothing objectionable. Just a case of mistaken medium.
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Earlier this afternoon, I had an impromptu walk and talk. We passed through one of the PricewaterhouseCoopers lobbies, which reminded me of my brother.
I once lost out on a job opportunity in the industry because of my close relationship with someone working with PwC, despite the fact that he hadn't even been the point person assigned to the PwC contract at the agency where he worked. Still, even the appearance of a conflict of interest complicates things.
Anyway, my brother has begun applying for jobs. His severance funds are running low, and he reports that the market isn't what he expected. He's beginning to worry. I've noticed the same thing myself, though I've put almost no time into networking and even less into applying for roles. I suppose an update on that front is in order, but I don't feel up to it at the moment. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I just want to work to live. Not the other way around.
Concentrating at work has been difficult lately, too. I'm looking forward to the end of this round of therapy. What good does it do to agonize over things that aren't in my power to change? Everything is meaningless. And continuing to revisit these things in session sometimes feels like little more than prolonging my stay in the slough.
Meanwhile, my son requires an intensive amount of therapy himself. He'll begin seeing a provider soon. It's more affordable than adult therapy, but still a decent hit to the pocketbook. I hope to learn how to better support him. There are so many things I don't know how to address, and I'm hopeful these changes will be good for us all.
At the new doctor's office this week, the waiting room was decorated with an extensive collection of whale wall hangings. How odd. They instantly transported me back to my parents' bedroom, which also inexplicably featured whales. Orcas and sperm whales alike, floating alone or leaping in pods on every wall. As a child, I often wondered what it would be like to fall asleep with your spouse in your arms, staring at a sperm whale. Such a choice.
Anyway, the new provider seems kind and knowledgeable. I'm hopeful.
I can't say I've learned a whole lot of new information myself over these last few months of therapy. Still trapped in the same system. Constructed for failure. But perhaps a little new light and perspective can alter reality just enough to make it easier to get by. Reminders can be helpful. A few notes I've collected along the way, which I'll probably continue to reflect on:
Most people do not need more information, they need repetition. The brain changes through practice, not through intellectual understanding.
When it comes to change, one cannot build a new life from survival mode. When the nervous system is dysregulated, the brain prioritizes protection over creativity, growth, and possibility.
The future we desire feels scary because it’s unfamiliar, and the nervous system prefers “familiar" to “better,” so even positive change can register as a threat when it’s outside of normal experience.
Confidence in movement toward change, or directional confidence, comes from evidence. The brain learns through experience, so taking action creates evidence, and evidence creates confidence.
Strong emotional reactions are important clues — they often point to unconscious beliefs, wounds, or patterns operating beneath awareness.
Gratitude can help foster change. The brain has a natural negativity bias, but gratitude can help train your reticular activating system to notice opportunities, resources, possibilities that were there all along.
It's November. Two weeks until Thanksgiving. Perhaps it's worth indulging in a little intentional gratitude. A short practice to honor and celebrate all that we have.